things I wrote this summer
Whenever I look back, I never write as much as I think I do.
From my notes, journal, drafted tweets, and mind.
june 5, 2025
I have to write down every idea, and it can’t be in my notes on my phone, I have to write it out, it’s easier to see what’s dumb and what’s not that way
june 26, 2025
She’s cute, she seems into you, what’s the problem?” “Me” I said to a friend as we discussed why I was avoiding pursuing a new potential lover. Avoidance has become one of my newest problems. I’m not avoiding the hard work of addressing my own issues or shortcomings, if anything, that’s the only work I’m willing to do right now. I’m only invested in improving my own sense of self, committing to keeping my word to myself, and becoming someone
july 2, 2025
YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS A JOKE?
YES, LET ME SHOW YOU HOW FUNNY EVERYTHING COULD BE
july 10, 2025
love doesn’t visit me like it used too
I stopped answering the door
avoided its calls
‘Scam Likely’ felt like all I saw
constantly embarrassed by my own bids for connection
lesson after lesson
and I still don’t get it
I stare at the sun sometimes
hoping it corrects my vision, resets my eyes
I’ve never been burned alive
but I’ve been engulfed by feelings
so overwhelming
that when they started to smolder
and my skin started to peel back
I was able to see the shell of myself I had been
and even in this new beginning
this new found wisdom
I couldn’t help but make another bid
love, connection, lesson
lesson after lesson
I still didn’t get it
love still didn’t visit
I stared at the sun again
there’s something there I still keep missing
july 12, 2025
My practice: I’m asking you if you can see yourself in me, in everything. Because I’m sure if I looked hard enough I’d see parts of myself in you.
july 17, 2025
Would you believe me if I told you I’ve been neglecting my substack because I’ve been watching Love Island? In reality, I’ve been spending more time outside than on my laptop, which is a good thing of course. However, Love Island has equally consumed a lot of my time. I’d consider reality tv extreme people watching. My ideal version of Love Island would be the same episode format coupled with a 24 hour feed that you can pop into whenever and just see the islanders interacting without the heavy editing. Maybe a little extreme?
july 18, 2025
why couldn’t you make me your religion
like I had made you mine
where was your faith
bread was broken
blood was shared
our covenant was nearly there
where was your faith
august 16, 2025
I get drunk
I laugh
I walk through the streets
and I wish I could go back
august 18, 2025
Sometimes the thinking feels like writing. I outline the thoughts in my head so thoroughly, I go back and edit them. I contradict myself, refine them. Argue. Debate. Then never write them down.
— (Same day, different time.)
So, I just downloaded this Voice transcribe app, because as I was driving, I was having this, like, consistent train of thought that was really interesting. And I was like, damn, I really want to write this down. But then I open my notes up, and I'm on the highway, and I was like, this feels really dangerous. I wonder if there was a way I could record myself and transcribe it. Obviously, technology allows us to do that, but I don't know why, I just haven't done it.
Anyways, I'm driving, and I'm thinking about this really specific tweet and this tweet that I've been seeing in different ways, but I've been thinking of this consistent thought.
And it was basically, and this is like, super, I would say, I feel like super niche, but maybe not. Um, it was the fact that Justin had posted, like, pictures on his Twitter from, like, this past weekend, and he had posted one picture with, like, Kendall Jenner, I guess, who I didn't even know, he had used to do things with, but I guess he did? Internet says so. Um. And when he posted some other pictures, it was like, Hailey in a dump with, like, two other people. And people were, again, like, kind of referring to the idea that, like, this is a humiliation ritual, like, he just can't help but humiliate her. And I keep seeing this consistent train of thought, and I'm like, well, does she feel humiliated?
Because I don't know. I was thinking to myself, I was like, how can one be? Doesn't humiliation require, like, if it's like an A and B thing, and humiliation is happening to B, doesn't it require B to feel humiliated for there to be humiliation, or is the humiliation based on the A group? So I keep going back and forth to that, and as I'm driving, I'm like, wait, no, let me, let me look up the word humiliation. And it's to make someone feel ashamed or to make someone feel like they, they've like, you've hurt their dignity or their pride. And I was just kind of like, oh— Sorry. I just saw a police car parked in the woods. Um, I was just kind of like, oh, so then we don't get to call it humiliation. Someone can feel humiliated, and we can say someone's been humiliated. But I guess you can never kind of take it as fact, unless the person has shown some sign that they felt humiliated, or acknowledge that they felt like their pride or their dignity was hurt or whatsoever it be. Then their humiliation hasn't occurred yet, something has just happened. So that was just really interesting to me, because in my mind, when I was thinking about that, I was like, okay, well, let me attribute that to something else. Like, like, and I was thinking in extremes. And I was like, okay, well, like abuse and, physical abuse, because you have situations where people are like, oh, I haven't been abused, but you've been, like, hit in, like, a domestic situation with, like a partner, someone, you family, whatever it be. And it's like, well, no, we've, we've attributed a definition to this word, and the actions that have happened fit the definition of this word. So regardless of what you feel is happening, that thing has happened to you. You know what I mean? If that makes sense, um, but I think it's different with humiliation, because it's a bit less factual and requires that person to feel ashamed.
The A group doesn't get to decide whether there is a reason for shame. I mean, well, they can, they can as a group. They can decide there is a reason for shame here. That does not mean B needs to feel shame, which can extend to like many other things. But just like a random thought I've had, um, I probably will edit this second part out. Maybe I'll keep it. We'll see. Um. But I think I'm gonna do this. Maybe I'll make this like a series and be like car notes or something like that. Um. But that's probably a title that's gonna change. I'm reading a book called Ordinary Notes right now by, um, I want to say the name is Catherine Shape, Catherine Sharp? Christina Sharpe. Christina Sharpe. Um. So it's called Ordinary Notes. I think that's what I'm thinking about right now. But, um, I don't know. I think that would be very interesting. I think that would be very interesting. So. But, so back to the main topic.
Um, Hailey Bieber, Justin Bieber, humiliation. Yukon? Um, I don't know. I don't know. I think, I think, sometimes again, and this could be attributed to, like many different celebrity couples and people that we focus on on the internet. But like, I think, sometimes the A group, which most of us will make up at some point, are sometimes forcing what our initial belief is on to B group and deciding that this is like you should feel this way about this thing that happened. And not always, can we get to decide, like B ultimately gets to decide. And sometimes B comes around to seeing what A group says. And also, sometimes it was never that, an A group is just misinformed and working with the information they have, which is usually not enough, but just something I've been thinking about in the car for, like, the last 10 min. That's it.
august 26, 2025
the silent anniversaries we carry
— (Same day, different time.)
On my journey into London, it was full of small mishaps and, you know, random moments, um, from my friend dislocating his shoulder two hours before we board, having to figure that out, to potentially reschedule the flight, to getting on the flight without my friend, to getting on a flight and switching seats three times for others because I was moving solo anyway. And, I didn’t mind accommodating for others and being in the aisle and having two kids next to me who are pretty well behaved until the end. One of them ends up throwing up as the plane is starting to land, hopefully the traffic doesn't make too much noise here. So many things going on. And I remember landing and getting through customs, and I had been the first one to get out of my two friends, and thinking to myself, what a journey I need to tell someone about this. Oh my gosh, like that was insane, you know. And I think it was in this moment where it really hit for me what it's like to not have your person, um, as someone who went a long time having a person, and then it's kind of like back to square one. In that, you have these very specific moments that feel like so many things are happening at once, or that the things that are happening are just such a worthwhile story to share with someone. They brought you joy. They'll probably bring someone else joy. They'll bring someone else laughter or strife. Whatever it is you went through will probably bring something to someone else after the fact that you've gone through it now. But you have no one to tell about it. You have no one to necessarily speak to and relay this story. You don't have that one person who you can just fill with all these small moments to be like, this is my day, or this just happened, or you won't believe it, you know, that's kind of gone. Um, I found myself, I was like, oh my gosh, who do I tell? And I sent a voice message to my groupchat with my two best friends. And, you know, I'm sure Charlie would enjoy the story. So let me send a voice message to Charlie. And, you know, who would enjoy this, Natalie as well. So let me send the message to Natalie, and I send these messages out to everyone. And I kind of stopped for a second. I said, fuck me. This is kind of sad, you know? Because these people have their own people. You know, my two best friends have partners. I’m sure Charlie has people to talk to. Natalie has people to talk to. And here I am sending, you know, copied voice messages out because I just want to talk, and I have no one to talk to. You know, it's, it's, it's interesting. Um. And I-I giggle about it now because I-I you know you have these moments I feel incredibly sad, incredibly heavy and then they pass and you're like okay it wasn't that bad, um. But as they kind of keep happening, I'm trying to, you know, interrogate the feeling, think a lot about how I feel in those moments, and like, why I feel the way I do and work through that. Because, you know, not having partnership is like a heavier one for me for some reason, you know, I think it's different for everyone. Some people are just like, whatever, but I do like having, like, a person. And when you don't, you still have people, you have your friends, you have your family, like, I can call anyone up. But then it just becomes like, I have a community, which is amazing, and I'm so grateful for it because not everyone has that, but I don't have my person. And the question becomes than, would I rather my person, or what? I rather community? You can have both, but which one would you rather? I'm not sure.